Trust

So I was trying to find a poem that I had written but I haven't been able to find it as of now and I no longer have the original...so hopefully I find it on my hard drive somewhere. Anywho, while looking for this I ran across something I had written about a year and a half ago. I thought it was interesting.

Webster defines trust as, “to commit or place in one’s keeping; to permit to stay or go or to do something without fear of misgiving.” I really like this definition of trust because it mentions fear. This is listed broadly as a fear of misgiving, but can be adapted to any circumstance. In a relationship, what fears could cause a lack of trust?
First one that comes to my mind is a fear of rejection. Not in the typical sense, but rather the fear of your ideas being contrary to the other person’s ideas, thus getting rejected. This can never be the case in any relationship. If you think differently, it’ alright, and actually should be encouraged. One should never blindly accept what another has told them. This does not mean to be obnoxious about it. A two-way communication should always be open and in use. One person cannot dictate the content of the communication; both people need to be actively involved. Even if what you have to say may seem meaningless; it rarely will be to the other person. For someone to trust you, you must trust them and vice-versa. If you are unable to talk about things, your relationship will fail.
The fear of your ideas getting rejected is very real and happens more than you would like. In the optimal relationship, your ideas would be accepted and considered. Upon consideration, the other person needs to tell you what they think in a considerate manner. If they are not respectful in their reply, it will greatly affect your ability to trust them. Likewise, when someone trusts you enough to talk about something, you must also be respectful in order to gain their trust too. Trust in them will build as they trust you more.
This fear could also come up by not wanting to upset the other person. Sometimes you may be “too selfless” and end up hurting yourself. If what you are thinking will upset them, it is often best to tell them anyhow. However, if you do think this and never tell the other person, it will be much worse for you in the long run. They will wonder why you didn’t trust them enough and it will weaken the trust shared between the two. So if they truly care about you, they will listen and try to help you with whatever your concern is and how to remedy it. Odds are that they will be able to help with your problem better than anyone else because they care about and understand you better than anyone else. There is no need to fear the other person rejecting your ideas if they truly care about you.
Another fear that may arise, as previously mentioned, is that you may offend the other person. In fact, this will not happen. If you ask them a question that would offend them, then you should reevaluate the situation. If you truly care about them, you will not ask it anyhow. Perhaps you’re unsure of how the other person may react; this is the most likely case. While the question may seem awkward, the other person will be glad you asked. They have been wondering the same question themselves. By bringing up the issue first, it shows them how much you really trust them. It shows that you trust them enough to bring up an issue that should be discussed, but also one in which both parties were too afraid to overcome. If you overcome this fear, the other person will have increased respect for you and also place more trust in you. They will place more trust in you because you’ve shown that you have more trust in them.
One final fear to discuss is the fear of losing the best thing in your life: the friendship with the other person. You value this so much that you are willing to do anything to keep it. Thus to keep to keep this friendship, you must overcome your other fears. Doing so will allow you to keep the most important thing in your life: the friendship of the other person. While this is very close to absolute trust, it still involves fear, thus not completely being trust. Real trust, and with it the most genuine care one can offer, comes when one no longer fears losing the person. Once they know that they will not lose the other person, and then the relationship will be at a state that few will ever truly come to know.

Happy Birthday!

Not only is day the infamous, or perhaps famous if you like math, Pi Day; it is also my Mom's birthday!!!! Generally, I really dread this day. Have for the last 6 times or so. But this time around, it's not bad at all. I'm actually happy and celebrating. But not just putting on a show like I usually do. It's legit this time. Pretty awesome. And of course today wouldn't be complete w/out a bunch of M and M's, which I intend to buy soon! And I'm eating lunch w/ the coolest person in the world, so it's a beautiful day. If only the weather were nicer. But I can't complain tooo much b/c weather aside, it's a beautiful day and life IS good.

I surprised myself this morning. I was dead tired this morning and didn't want to go to class or do my homework or anything of that sort. But I went to BOTH classes and did and turned in my homework. Man I'm a good student! Haha. : ) I was pretty pleased w/ myself. Take what I can get. And today is payday so that always makes things MUCH nicer. I like money. Then again, who doesn't? Although apparently having too much money is now one of the deadly sins, or so some new catholic guy has stated from the Vatican. But I doubt I'll ever have to worry about that, and in contrast to that man, I'm pretty sure having lots of money is alright so long as you got it legally and pay your tithing on it. Just my opinion though.

And one more exciting thing! I'm wearing my Jelly Belly shirt today!!! It was hiding in the bottom of my laundry hamper, so I didn't see it for a long time. But I found it today! So I decided to wear it and that makes me super excited! I Love this shirt, it's just so darn happy! Hooray!

M & M

M & M's are wonderful things of which I have already spoken of. But for some reason or another, it has recently taken on quite a new meaning for me. By recently, I mean in the last 5 minutes or so. Haha. Anyhow, M & M technically means Mars and Milky Way. But I propose a new one for me. March and Mom. M & M. Quite the convenient coincidence.

March is always an interesting month. There's always a lot of stuff going on it seems, but it never seems like quite enough is going on to distract me enough. But perhaps I shouldn't try to distract myself. That doesn't deal with the problem at all, merely sets it aside for awhile. But that seems to be the path that I take with it. Granted, it's safe. Or at least it seems safer than having to deal with it. But a lot has changed for me in the past 6 months or so. I can see why the church makes me wait 6 months after starting Prozac before I can resubmit my papers. There's a lot that can happen to you in 6 months. Quite remarkable really. And perhaps this change will allow me to deal with it, to confront it, to celebrate it as opposed to just avoiding it. While definitely easier said than done, I think it's still possible. Haha, I was an optimist yesterday! It was my turn! : ) Albeit, I'm not the best optimist in the world, but it's really the thought that counts.

In the devotional that was given this week, the professor shared a story about how they had made a book about his father so that his children that did not know him could get a glimpse at who their father was. This man was 6 years old when his father died and obviously doesn't have a good memory of his father at all. I was 12, but really, not much changes in those 6 years. Your memory of that time is only slightly better than it was at 6. And as this guy was talking about that, I was like, Hey! I have one of those for mom! Dad made them for all of us for Christmas a year or so ago. That is definitely the best Christmas present that I have ever received. But in hindsight, I have not taken advantage of it. I guess I've been too scared, too afraid that it will make things worse by reading it that I really haven't looked at it much at all. I've only read a few pages of it in all honesty. I just never quite felt ready to read it. But this March brings up a new opportunity to do so, a way to celebrate her birthday and her life in general. Perhaps that is a healthy way to deal with it this year. Tons of M & M's do taste really good, but this is probably a better way to celebrate, although I'm still getting the M & M's.

As I have been given such a marvelous gift, I should take advantage of it. I think I'll make that a new goal of mine: to read part of her journal every day. I think there is a lot that I can gain from this and that it will only help me to progress. Instead of March being a depressing month because of Mom, perhaps it can be a cheerful month because of her as well. I think she'd like it that way. : )

On a different note, I found a shirt online that has "rat" from Pearls Before Swine on it. And it says, "People are Idiots. I hate them." I've always wanted that shirt, and I've generally always had that view on people, though I do try to hide it. But recently, it seems that that is not the case, that perhaps people are nice, and I Like them!

Is the world coming to an end?!?!

Katie finally posted a status message on facebook! And of all things, saying she wants a bacon machine. After a few questions, it was discovered that she really only like turkey bacon. So she wants a turkey bacon machine. If only such a thing existed.... : )

p.s. I told you I'd immortalize it in my blog, so I did! I don't have latent lying syndrome like someone... : )

Sleep...or the lack thereof

It's that marvelous time of night when I should be asleep...like two hours ago. Haha. But for some reason I always end up staying up late for no apparent reason at all. I wish I had a good reason or excuse for doing so, but really, there isn't. I just don't feel like going to bed. More on principle than anything else. Perhaps I'll regret it tomorrow, but for now, it seems like a rather good idea. Haha. And I rather prefer to sleep in as late as I can.

And on a more serious note, life has presented quite the wonderful circumstances to me for me to be happy. I believe this has happened to me in the past as well, but I generally tend to sabotage these moments when they arise. In the words of one of my psychologists, I don't want to be happy. Or maybe I want to be happy, but I won't let myself be happy. Whenever something good happens, I find a way to bring myself back down again. It's a cycle I've been in for quite a long time and one I've slowly been trying to get out of. But I find, like most things, it's much easier said than done. And being slightly masochistic, it's almost as if I need to hurt myself; mentally rather than physically. But, this time around, it seems as if the people around me actually want me to be happy. Weird concept, I know. But they strive to make me want to be happy and not allow me to come down on myself or to 'sabotage' my happiness. So it looks to be a rather good run, one that I've not known for quite some time. All I can do now is optimistically hope that this trend may continue and that progress is being made, for once. Haha, the four hours of therapy a week might actually be doing some good. And good friends. One can never underestimate the power of a good friend. They're quite wonderful! : )

Random want of the moment: I want a new pair of blue suede shoes. Mine are getting rather beaten up, but I can't throw them away, I need blue suede shoes!!! Haha, so I better keep an eye out for any that may be promising, though I lack the funds to purchase them anyhow. But who cares! I can still dream! : )

Atomic Fireballs and Other Such Nonsense

When I was younger, with apparently masochistic taste buds, I could put like 7 or 8 atomic fireballs into my mouth at one time. It was never easy, but always worth it. But now, I just don't see why that even seemed like a good idea. One of them isn't all that enjoyable, 7 or 8 would just be brutal. What a waste of good sugar. Jawbreakers on the other hand, while very similar to atomic fireballs, are a much better use of sugar. Plus, jawbreakers change color. It's always exciting to see what color what it will change into next. Except for those really big ones, those are just ridiculous. I don't think I've ever been able to finish off one of those. Generally, they're just really good at making messes. And when you have to clean up after yourself, that's not a very attractive attribute to have.

On a completely different, but of similar importance, is the great mystery of the Elavil. Well, technically, of the amitriptyline. I take TWO of them every night. So when I get it filled, there's supposed to be 60 pills in it. So there should always be an even number of pills in there. But, strangely enough, there's 7 of them in there right now. I have no idea how that happened. I don't really keep track of them, so I don't know if it started out w/ an odd number or if one magically disappeared. But those seem to be the only two plausible explanations for this phenomena. But if there was an odd number to begin with, did I get one too many, or one too few? Neither are very good for business. And if they magically disappeared, where did they go? My current theory is that they're in the same place as all those socks I lose in the dryer and all those points I lose on midterms. And strangely enough, it was filled at Walgreens. I've never had any problems with them so I'm very hesitant to pass the blame on to them. If it was the Health Center, I'd blame them in a heartbeat. They charge me more for my meds. BLAH. A months supply of meds should only be 10 dollars, NOT $16.50. That's just absurd.

But alas, it is time for me to go to bed so that I can make it to Econ. and be a good student like that! : )

Pyschologist = Fun

So I went to the psychologist today. Nothing new there. But what he said today was quite hilarious, and so darn true. Haha, I never really thought of it this way, so it was pretty sweet. It seems to me that anytime I mention that my mom died when I was 12, it's pretty much a conversation stopper. Everything just gets really awkward and so I generally just try to avoid telling it to people. Which I, and my psychologist, think is a rather dumb thing to do. And here's his insight. He was very surprised that that is such a conversation stopper. It's not like I told them I molest little kids or something, but that seems to be how they react. I never really thought it unusual for people to react this way b/c that's how they've always reacted to me. But he says that that really isn't all that normal. And people don't usually react that way to it. Which is cool, b/c I've always thought that was how everyone would react and apparently I was wrong. I love being wrong in this case. Haha. But he's so right. It's not something that should be inherently awkward. Yes, she died, that's sad. But not awkward or disturbing.

We also had a pretty good discussion about the month of March. March is typically the worst month for me as far as this goes. Mom's Birthday is the 14th and she died on the 23rd. So it's generally a pretty brutal month in that respect. But, it doesn't have to be. And really, it shouldn't be. I have a tradition where I buy like 5 pounds of M and M's around her Birthday and they last me till about the end of the month...depending on how hungry I am. They won't last nearly that long this year. Haha. But my psych asked why I do that every year. Obviously, b/c she loved M and M's. But really, it's my way of celebrating my mom. I don't typically look at it w/ that optimistic slant to it. I generally say I'm buying the M and M's to drown my sorrow in chocolate or something. But really, I'm celebrating her life. And trust me, there's quite a bit to celebrate there. And this year, it will be really nice b/c the weekend of the 14th Melanie and her kids will be coming up here to Utah and I'm giving a presentation at the Utah Energy Conference on the 13th. And Erin is living w/ Dick and Michelle up in Bountiful, so it will be quite the fun family get together around Mom's Birthday this year. I think she appreciates that. It seems like a rather good present to me; family getting together and having fun. I'm pretty sure Mom thinks that's a great Birthday present. So that's pretty neat. All in all, my trip to the psych was really good today. And after last night, it really had to be. So it was nice to be able to talk about Mom and not make things awkward. Pyschs are good for that kind of stuff. I only wish that other people were a little bit more receptive, but eventually someone will be. Or at least I'll keep believing that anyhow. : )