Instrument or Master?

I'll admit to missing most of the first session b/c I was sleepy, but I did hear a good part of the afternoon session of General Conference today. (And in all honesty, I'm watching the Wis vs UK basketball game right now during Priesthood session b/c I confused the time) Anyhow, there were two things from the afternoon session that really stuck with me and to be cheesy, it felt like it was for me only and no one else. The two points I have summed up into two 3 worded questions: Instrument or Master? Hear the music?

For the purpose of this entry I am only going to elaborate on the first, Instrument or Master, as it's something I'm willing to share publicly at this current time. I will save the "Hear the Music?" question and why it applies in the future; maybe. No promises though.

In the talk that inspired "Instrument or Master" it was talking about whether we use our physical body as an instrument for our soul to do that which the soul desires most, or if the physical body and it's demands and feelings and emotions govern, and become the Master over our soul. The fairly common "natural man is the enemy of God" argument. This is a great principle and something we should all remember, but for me, personally, it took on a different meeting.

It's no surprise to anyone who knows me that I've been chronically ill for the last 5 years. For this purpose, my physical body has been VERY demanding. To a large extent, I have to give in to those demands so I can feel better physically with things like hospitalizations, medications and other such similar treatments. They are very real demands and ones that must be met. So physically it's the master of my body, my physical health.

Though very consuming, it does not have to be the master. Sure, there are setbacks, disappointments and some really bad things. However, these demands SHOULD not allow my body to be the master over my mind and soul. The talk in conference was very specific about allowing the soul to be master b/c from a religious perspective the worth of the soul is great. I do not believe that my illness has allowed my body to be master of my soul. But if you read carefully, you will notice I said MIND and soul.

A problem common in chronic illness patients is that we let them define our minds. We let them control our actions. For me, fear of feeling more pain or making it worse is ever present. At the very start of pain, my brain freaks out. Even if it's nothing, I think that it's something serious, like an obstruction or pancreatitis. These are vaild thoughts b/c often that is the case. However I've come to realize recently that in a few instances (not all of them, keep that in mind) I may have subconsciously added more stress on my body from worrying.

If I feel the starting symptoms, I need to be better, and have been doing better at not freaking out initially. I try to relax, lay down, take simple meds like tylenol and let it ride its course. And there are some times where this is all that is needed to make my symptoms manageable. As it's been going on for 5 years, it's become harder and harder not to let it control me.

There are many activities in my life I had cut out entirely. Others that I could have done just fine that I just didn't do b/c I was afraid of making my body sick again (for the millionth time). I let it control my life. It made my decisions. It shows up, I notice it and let it run my life for a couple days. And cutting out things that are good, nay, great has left me a shell of what I once was, of what I know I have the potential to be. I passed up opportunities to do things that I should be doing b/c I was allowing my body to be the master, not the instrument.

Yes, I am sick. It's real. But that doesn't mean that I should let it run my life. Thinking back, I realize that for at least 2 years, but more likely 3 or 4 of the 5 I've been sick it has done exactly that. It's the easy route. It's the safe route. But it is also the route that has cost me dearly. The route that has had me taking advantage of things and hurting those closest to me; taking these wonderful people for granted. Not appreciating the hard work they put in. Not considering the impact on them b/c I tell myself the impact on my health is more pressing. This is something I have realized recently.

I need to be in control of my body, mentally anyhow. I need it to be the instrument to do those things which are great in my life, to govern my dealings with others. An instrument to do good, especially for those I love most. Use this wonderful instrument of a physical body (sick though it may be) to bring happiness to others, to make their lives more complete, to help fulfill the personal desires of theirs.

So is my body being used as an instrument to do good, or is it the master? And at this moment, it's a mix. I've been working in the last 4-6 weeks to retake control of my mind, not letting it be run by being sick. And I believe I have made some really good progress, but it's still a work in progress. I hope to one day be able to say that my physical body is merely an instrument to do that which is good and not the master, in any capacity. A simple analogy, a simple question, but for me, a profound realization and a call to work harder to not let my illness control me.

I haven't posted in here recently so I figured I better get on it. My life has been rather the same as it always is. I feel like I never really do anything with my life, and well, that's probably true. I hardly ever feel well enough to do much. But I suppose there are things that happen and are worth mentioning. Most recently I saw the new Snow White movie. I had high hopes for it,  but with Kristen Stewart playing Snow White you never quite know how it's gonna go. Surprisingly, she did a really good job. All that angsty crappy acting she's done in every other movie finally got replaced by some quality work. It wasn't the best I've ever seen, but it was a refreshing difference from her usual trick of strutting round the stage.

We've been working on building a fence in the backyard recently and by we, I mean mostly David. I haven't felt well enough to most of the heavy work but I was able to help get some of the boards up on it the other day. That was fun. This fence is looking pretty awesome. We are only like a quarter of the way through it though, so it will look much more awesome when it is done. I could probably go work on it some more right now, but the Cardinals game is on right now and we all know that takes precedence over everything.

I have recently had the opportunity and drive to go to the temple a couple of times this past week. It's been a while since I've been there. I hadn't been there since I've been home in Missouri. It's only a 30 minute drive there so it's not terribly inconvenient but it's also not just up 9th like it is in Provo. Through a series of unfortunate events for friends and family I felt compelled to go to the temple to pray for them and ask the Lord for His help in their lives and situations. And I'm happy to report that those events which drove me to the temple seem to be shaping up nicely and going well now. All of these people are currently living far away from me and that was the only thing I felt like I could do to help out. Lesson for the day: Whenever you feel helpless in any situation, turn to the Lord and serve Him in His Holy house.



-----St. Louis Missouri Temple-----


The positive turnouts of those situations being as they are it was also a great spiritual moment for me. There is a certain peace that one finds when relying on the Lord and giving your agency solely to Him, if only for a small time. We get so controlling with our lives that we often don't want to completely surrender it for extended periods of time because of our base human nature, but those moments we overcome our pride are very rewarding. All the problems and frustrations in your life become manageable, patience seems more of a virtue than an irritation, and the oft sought for but hardly attained inner peace appears. I had the opportunity to also assist in baptisms for the dead in the temple. I always like doing that because it's the first ordinance we receive and is the stepping stone to salvation for us personally and everyone around us. It is a wonderful feeling to know that hundreds more people will begin that wonderful journey in one night at the temple. The long awaited blessings of eternity begin to open up for them and you can feel the Joy that they feel as you do service for them. It is a truly marvelous feeling.

Home and other adventures

This is the first time in a few years that I am back in Missouri for some period of time that is NOT Christmas. That being said, I'm rather excited for it. I always love being home. Utah is great, but Missouri will always be home for me. The Cardinals games are broadcast every day out here, how could it not be home? Although all my research is in Utah, so that's getting put on hold even more. That saddens me some because my research is what I usually feel gives me purpose in my life. I've been so sick for so long and made so little progress in my life and my research is really the only area I ever move forward in. I suppose it's time to make progress in other aspects of my life.

That's really the reason I'm home anyhow, to make progress in my life. I have seen like every specialist in Provo and Salt Lake City and none of them can figure out what is wrong with me. I have spent two years getting tests and having to withdraw from all classes for the last 5 semesters all for naught. Now I'm seeing super fancy doctors in St. Louis at Washington University who are hopefully gonna figure things out for me. I would ideally like this to be a short process and get done sometime this summer, but I have this sneaking suspicion that it could take much longer. I don't like being patient. It's hard. And I feel I've been patient long enough. I know I've BEEN a patient more than my fair share. Too bad that doesn't translate into patience. It would be wonderful.

Patience and Faith always seem to go hand in hand. If I want to be patient I'll just have to have faith that it will all work out, or that it will at least be something I can handle. I don't really mind being chronically ill, you get used it, but it stops me from everything else. Perhaps I'm not meant to be doing those things at this time in my life and my focus needs to shift to those things are apparently going on. It's hard to see those things hidden in the fog of being chronically ill. I wish I had better recognition and could figure out the answers to what I should be looking for and doing right now. I usually just sit on my couch because I don't feel well enough to do anything else. It seems pretty useless. But it's what I have to do to stay out of the hospital, so I guess it works! And if it works, I should probably just be happy with it. I can't change it, so why get upset. Life is supposed to be joyful and I need to learn to better embrace that fact and have faith that is true.

Fall 2011

Guess what??? It's still Fall in Utah...there's no snow on my ground. It's kinda fweakin me out, okay? Haha. I haven't written on here in forever. So time for updates! Marching band is going well...it's one of only two classes that I've been able to stay in this semester. And why is that? Because of 4 or 5 trips to the hospital this semester alone. And did the BRILLIANT doctors figure anything out? Of course not. They'd rather just pass it off as idiopathic and find a new patient that they can figure out to make themselves feel like Gods once again. Sorry to bring them down a notch from their lofty status. That's really been the story this Fall though; bein sick and then recovering from bein sick. It's pretty lames.

In other news: The Cardinals won the World Series since my last post! That was amazing! But they're super awesome, so it's not too surprising that they won their 11th Championship. It is sad to see Tony La Russa retire, but he had a very long, very good career; so good for him. I am still waiting for my Championship t-shirt though. That darn thing is taking forever and a day to ship to me! I wanna celebrate my boys with an awesome shirt. Why is that too much to ask for????


Additionally, I am running a 10K on Thanksgiving. Thank goodness it's in the morning. Should make me even hungrier for yummy delicious thanksgiving pigging out. I love gluttonous holidays, haha. But I am doing some exercise and I REALLY need to gain some weight. So hopefully thanksgiving will add a few pounds to my slim physique. ...and then add a few more for good measure. These things are more fun with pictures, but I don't think I've taken any recently. I'll look for something.

This one is for Michael. Hope it helps!!! :)

And this one might just be the happiest picture you'll ever see. So enjoy!

That's it for now. I hope have enjoyed your stay on my blog. Feel free to read other posts and listen to the marvelous music. I really should be better about posting on here....and taking more pictures of stuff. We'll see how that goes, haha. :)

Never get sick in college....

This is Ricky Bobby and Cal Naughton Jr. reminding you never to get sick in college.

ChemE courses are hard enough as they are w/out being sick and missing all the lectures....and completing the course 8 months later. I strongly suggest not doing it. It's really hard to motivate yourself in the summer to get much of anything done if you're not taking classes. My days are far from planned and studying is one of those things that is best done...planned. That being said, it's still possible. Though the true test of how possible this really is will be the test I have to take tomorrow. If it's about pumps and turbines, I'm set. If it's about the derivation of some ridiculous equation...forget about it.

On a happier note, the Cardinals won last night, though still 5 games behind the Brewers. Football is once again on TV! w00t w00t! Monday night football FTW. Though I must say it's horrible for studying, haha. Also, the Premier league has started back up, so Soccer is also on. ESPN is now my new home and it's a happy place to live.

Also, Band Camp starts next week. That will be interesting. I should probably start memorizing the music. I should have started that a while ago, but I do much better with memorizing right before...I tend to forget over time, so it would have been useless to start any earlier....plus I had fluids stuff I needed to work on. That should be an exciting adventure for this Fall. I haven't marched since high school. Well, that's not true, I've been a marching and music tech a couple of years. But I haven't been on the field performing since then; should be fun. My Trumpet needs a good cleaning though. It's dirty! I haven't cleaned it in forever, so it could use a nice spa day. :)

Rex Lee Run, Momma's Birthday, and a HUGE Snowman

These are totally not in order....ooops. I ran the Rex Lee run which is a 5K for Cancer research here at BYU. I figured it was a good cause. I of course ran it for my momma! Here's a couple pics from that adventure. I was really just happy I finished it and ran the whole way....even if I ran slowly.

Running stuffs

I ran for Momma! :)

We had a very wonderful celebration for Momma's birthday. We had lots of M&M's and some balloons and some wonderful angels food cake! It was a grand good time. It's high time we start celebrating her life rather than moping, and by "we" I of course mean me.

Playing with balloons!!!

I'm a Walrus!

Nummy cake!

Me devouring the awesome cake!

And lastly for this post, we made a GINORMOUS snowman. It was super duper tall and ridiculously hard to build. The middle ball was so heavy that we couldn't lift it on top normally. So I got down on my knees and they rolled it on my back and then on top of the big bottom ball. I wish we would have had pictures of that part, but sadly we didn't. The end product was super fantastic though. It should also be noted that we did all of this between sessions of Conference on Sunday. It was a good use of our time. We just had to do it; there was a field full of fresh snow!

Rolling up a snowball!

Made his mouth out of charcoal

The three of us that made it (Brad, Andrew, and Rob)

Me and the final HUGE snowman!

That's it for now. More to come!

Surgery and Easters

I have this nasty habit of getting sick. I try oh so hard to avoid and then blam! I'm sick again. This time it was the end of April, around Easter! Though it should also  be noted this was the time that Michael graduated as well. So I ended up missing all of his graduation things b/c I was sick. No bueno. And then I went to the hospital. It's kinda sad b/c I'm quite literally on a first name basis with many of the nurses on that floor. The 7th floor knows me all too well.

After Surgery with my monkey and some oxygen

They cut me!

This trip to the hospital they decided to cut me open and tear some stuff out. They really just took out my gallbladder b/c I keep getting pancreatitis. We're hoping that will solve that problem, but we don't really know for sure. They also removed a few adhesions that were causing some partial obstructions on my small intestine; fun stuff right? Then I spent the next week laying in bed trying to get better and leave that 7th floor. As nice as they are, I don't really like seeing them that often, haha. Easter happened to fall in that period of time, so I spent Easter in the hospital. But no worries, it was still super duper fun! We had an easter egg hunt, and I had my easter basket, and I had bunny ears! David deserves most of the credit for making my easter so epic. It was a marvelously fun day and one of the best Easters I can remember...even if I was in the hospital.

 

 

My easter loot! :)

Looking for eggs!

So that was my marvelous Easter. It's alright if you're jealous. :)

Ward Prom

So my ward decided to have a so called Ward Prom. All the single dudes and all the single ladies signed up on separate lists and then they randomly paired us. Then all the guys had to call up their girls and set it up and all that fancy jazz. Now this is not really an activity that I usually go for, or like all that much. But since I signed up to go, I was gonna go all the way. I called up ma girl and got her dress color and got a spiffy vest and tie to match her dress and a beautiful corsage...which also matched her dress. I'm fairly certain she was the only one with a corsage at this event. I would have thought that someone else would have; they did call it a prom after all. Oh well, at least she felt super special, as she should.

Me and Hannah

It started off with a dinner thingy. They had Hawaiian haystacks. I'm not usually a fan of them, but these were pretty good. My usual complaint is that people like to use cream of chicken and cream of mushroom soup. They only used cream of chicken. No mushrooms: yay!!!! And it wasn't that whole sweet and sour bit either. Sometimes they make it with a sweet and sour sauce or something, not a fan of that either. So they actually made it in a way that I liked! Woohoo! I ate some salad too b/c I wanted to feel like I was a healthy person. But I made up for that by eating extra dessert. I'm not quite sure what I ate for dessert, but they were sure delicious. The whole place was decorated like Alice in Wonderland. That movie has always creeped me out. I'm not the biggest fan of that as a theme, especially since they had a HUGE Cheshire Cat which was just downright scary. And after dinner, they of course had the DANCE.

Pretty corsage!

I've never been the biggest fan of dances. Mostly I just don't like to get started. Once I've started dancing and such, it's all good. But it takes a lot to get me started and to get out there. But the girl I was with would have nothing of that sort and made me get out there and dance...so I did. All night long. So for those of you wanting me to be social and all that jazz, congratulations, I was. And they even had dance cards for all the slow songs, it was pretty funny. So I got my dance card filled. It was a fun little adventure. That's pretty much that.

Us again. :)

6 months to sexy

In the mission field, most missionaries spent the first 18 months letting themselves go and adding lots of weight and then spent the last 6 months working out so they could be in shape. You don't need to be in shape when you can't date, but you sure do when you're back home. And that program is internationally dubbed as the Six Months to Sexy program. We've decided to do that now, mostly b/c Michael wants to get in shape for the Navy or something crazy like that. So I decided I would too. It's really just sit ups and push ups, but it hurts...a lot. But that's supposed to be good. Oh boy, bring it on. It's also a good way for me to gain some weight. I really need to gain a bunch of weight, so hopefully this will bring me up to a healthy weight. Also being in shape might make healthier and I'll do pretty much anything to avoid the hospital, haha.

In other news, I am presenting at the Utah Conference for Undergraduate Research again this year. But this year I will be healthy enough to give it! Last year I was selected to present but was sick and missed it. So it will be nice to actually get to do it this time. I finished making my presentation today and it looks AWESOME! It's gonna be great. I am the first presenter of the day though, so that will be interesting, haha. I've had to discontinue from classes this semester b/c I've been so sick. Just once I'd like to be healthy for an entire semester. That would be super awesome.

Ducks!

I got a rubber ducky cake pan for Christmas (it was on the top of my list) and I finally felt good enough to use it! So I bought a lovely spice cake (I'm not a big fan of spice cake by I let my roommate choose the flavor) and I made a super duper cake. I had some help from a girl from back home with the frosting. I'm not very patient when it comes to frosting, haha. But I did color the frosting all by myself to get the super bestest colors for the cake. Here's the awesome pics.

From the Top!

Awwwww....It's so beautiful!

Look at those two studs! :)

 My piece!

I also treated myself to a marvelous steak dinner! The steaks marinated for about 3 days and I grilled some fresh pineapple! It was soooooooooo delicious and awesome. It's alright to be jealous.

That's right. I eat in style!

School, reserach and fun adventures!

So school has started up once again. I did go to classes in the Spring and Summer, but the Fall is always a lot different than spring/summer. I had 16 credits, but then realized it was too much, so I dropped a class and now I have 13 and my life is good. :) I must say that I am very happy to be starting the Junior core classes for Chemical Engineering. It finally feels like I'm going somewhere in my major. So that's always nice. Though it does mean that the classes are much harder, haha. But I chose this major knowing that it was brutal, so I guess I can't complain.

Research has been a big thing this spring/summer and it continues to be so in the Fall. I am currently working on 4 projects: one for a PhD candidate (which I am a coauthor on for a presentation at the national conference for Chemical Engineering), one for a private company we work with, and two that I am lead researcher on. So that's pretty exciting. It's nice to have my own projects. :) Publish or perish right? Actually, I'm really just banking on publications to get me into grad school b/c my grades won't be anything spectacular. And speaking of research, we did have some fun with some leftover dry ice the other day. By we I mean Michael and myself. Here's a fun video from that adventure.

And now on to the marvelous adventures!!!! Okay, well the only adventures I really have are to the football game and occasionally I fry me some homemade tortilla chips. So here are some pictures of those fun times. :)

This is a little guy I made out play dough. It was supposed to be a dinosaur, but it looks a lot more like some sorta pokemon. So that's what it is, I invented a new species of Pokemon. Haha.

Yummy delicious fried chips with a queso bean dip. I use muenster cheese in the dip. Not a traditional cheese for Mexican food, but it's what I had.

During the football game! We had great seats! We were in the 20th row from the field!!!! And of course BYU won this game and we are now in the top 25. :)

adf

Pregame marching band fun times!!! With the way the Senior courses are scheduled for ChemE I think I may try out for the marching band next year! :)

So that is all the fun and super marvelous things that are going on in my life right now. Life IS good.

Summer!

So I think summer has finally decided to come (and stay) here in Utah. It's about time!!! I'm not a fan of the apartment being hot all the time, but it is really nice to be able to play outside whenever I want. :) There is however TONS of construction going on around campus right now. I guess that's what happens when you stay year round; they have to fix it all some time, so why not when most people are gone? Oh well, I'm hoping that they'll be finished soon with the areas I use....then I don't care what they do. Haha, I can be selfish. :) I went to a test review today...please note that it is a Saturday!!!! I am way impressed with myself. Then again, I skip class most days, so I don't think I can really pat myself on the back for it. But I'm going to anyways. :)

In other fun news, I lost my wallet for a while earlier this week. Wallets are great b/c they have everything you need in one handy place...but it's awful when you lose them for that same reason. But at least I got it back and nothing was missing! Then again, I put it in the pocket of a seat in the car, so it makes sense to have everything. I got a book today. David bought it the other day and told the parents about it and he got them to give him money to get copies for Michael and I. It's a book about the LDS perspective on mental illness...but not the preachy have faith kind of things. So it should be a good read...I hope. Well, that's it. My life isn't that exciting, haha. Peace out.

Thermodynamics of Relationships

Thermodynamics of Relationships
Δ G = 0 : Single Equilibrium Condition
Δ G = Δ H - TΔ S
Δ H : Happiness in a relationship
T : Things single guys enjoy doing (i.e. playing video games)
-Δ S: Probability your wife will let you do these things
Δ G : + then get married/marital bless
-requires work or energy
- spontaneous
-no work or energy required
-go back to being single spontaneously

Once married, TΔ S is a function of your spouse, with Δ S as a function of her current mood.

-Δ S = q.rev/T, where q.rev is nice things you do for your wife.
Δ H = Δ U + Δ (PV)
Δ U = Internal personal happiness
V = volume (size of family)
Δ (PV) = family size (V) and amount of responsibility (p)
Therefore, the more work you put in a relationship, your responsibility increaseas along with the
size of your family.



Created by: Bored members of the BYU Catalysis lab (mostly Brad).  Inspired by Dr. P’s lecture. 

School, yay!

So I just realized I haven't written on here FOREVER. So it's about time for another update. :) Only big difference in my life now is that I'm in school again! Hooray!!!! I am taking two classes in the spring term, a math one and a EE one. My math class isn't too bad b/c I've done a lot of this work before. EE however does not like me at all. But I'm trying to figure it out. This class has a pre requisite that I don't take....so they just assume you know it all...great. Oh well, I think I'm beginning to understand it a little better now. So that's always nice. But we'll see how that goes. I think I'm going to have to get ahead on my homework instead of just doing it on the day that it is due.

I'm also working again, roughly 15 hours a week or so. That's going pretty well. I have plenty to do and we're getting a new TGA!!! WooHoo!!!! I'm really excited about that one. That'll make life MUCH easier on everyone in the lab...but especially me since the TGA is really my thing, haha. Cobalt prep at least is going very well. Although, I was opening up the desiccator and the handle broke off and the lid broke and cut my hands. That was a bloody mess. But now my fingers are feeling better. I've been able to take of band-aids on one of the cuts. The other two are still too big to take off a band-aid. So that wasn't good, but other than that, Cobalt prep is going well!

School and work keep me pretty busy, so I don't have much else interesting to say. I did however go golfing today. Well, I just went to a driving range, but it's the most golf I've ever done. I was awful, haha, but it was my first time ever, so who cares. Although I hear we are going to play 9 holes next Saturday....that'll be interesting. We'll see how that goes. It'll be fun if nothing else. Ooooooh! There's a Thai restaurant right by my apartment now! I didn't even know it was there, but I walked past it when I was walking back to mi casa one day. I am VERY excited to try that out. I Love me some Thai food! :) That's about it, peace out.

Hey, I got some new shoes on!

So I've had the same pair of running shoes since my Freshmen year in High School. But they've seen a lot of miles and as such they've really warn down. And now, I gots me some new shoes!!!! It's good stuff. And here's a song about new shoes to Celebrate. I hope this link thingy works....I haven't tried using links like this before in this bloggy stuff. So we shall see. Oh, and there's a link to the awesome pictures of my shoes on my Facebook. .....I've now figured out how this works. Double click the title of my post and it will take you to the song. It's good stuff! :)

8 November 2009

 I wrote this on November 8, 2009, a few days after I got out of UNI (the psych ward). I showed it to a small number of people back then, but I've decided to publish it for all to see now. Granted, I am holding on to a more recent one, but it will come out in it's own due time...

Nights are always the worst. This is nothing new. Though the constant trend seems to be the need for some sort of release before I can go to bed. If I’m lucky, I’ll be super tired and I’ll fall asleep regardless of what I may be thinking. But that is hardly, if ever the case. The real problem though, comes in finding a release that is healthy. There are many unhealthy releases I have used in the past; cutting, throwing up, punching hard things, hitting my head on hard things, etc. Though none of these are healthy, they all seem to get the job done quite effectively. But that is usually only temporary. I find that things with more lasting consequences, are a much better form of release, or at least self degradation. For example, instead of doing any of those releases, I just stay up all night because I know I shouldn’t and that I will regret it in the morning. The pain from those other things will be gone in the morning, but the fact I’m running on no sleep will be with me the rest of the day and quite possibly the rest of the week. But even better perhaps, is the feeling of guilt, usually caused by Not doing something. Most things you feel guilty about doing are these unhealthy releases, but they don’t seem to last very long. However, missed opportunities have a way of sticking with for a very long time. Sleep deprivation however, is just a minor example. Sleeping pills do a good job of making me drowsy, but they aren’t going to make me fall asleep. They just help. I can force myself to stay awake after I have taken them, though counter intuitive to even taking them, it is still a viable choice. Mostly, this is because when I take my sleeping pills I am busy and don’t have time to think about much. But when I actually try to fall asleep, I have plenty of time alone with my brain; and that doesn’t usually end well. Or at least not in any productive way anyhow. Curiously enough though, a lot of these aforementioned “missed opportunities” seem to come back in my dreams. Most of them aren’t current, they are things I didn’t do a while ago, as far back as a few years. There are only so many that I can remember, but this does appear to be a running theme. So while I’m not only thinking about them before falling asleep, my brain is getting no reprieve once I am actually asleep. And that pretty much sucks, because my brain needs that time to be sleeping and resting, not worrying about past events. But I think they still stick around because they are things the I purposely did. It’s not like I wasn’t aware of the situation. I simply chose not to do something because I knew I would regret it at a later time. And that later time seems to come and go as it pleases. It usually just depends on how busy I am though. So while it seems to come and go as it pleases, I’m sure there is some underlying pattern to it. And I suspect that pattern has a lot to do with how busy I am at the time. Which brings me back to nights and trying to fall asleep. It is impossible, so far as I know, to be busy and still fall asleep. The only exception that I can think of, being the point of total exhaustion. But that is neither healthy, nor very useful because odds are, whatever I am doing to stay busy I am doing a terrible job at because I’m so tired. But again, perhaps that would be the goal of such an endeavor to try to fall asleep. I know I would feel bad about doing bad work, thus prolonging the regret. I was once told “Live your life with no regrets.” This is a great piece of advice, though I find it an easy way to be miserable as well. It basically tells us that if we live our life without regrets, that we will be happy and content with our lives. The converse however, is also true. If we live our life with many regrets, we will be depressed and wholly unsatisfied with the direction of our lives. Which I guess goes to one of those glass half empty, glass half full kind of arguments. But I think that would be grossly over-simplifying the matter. I don’t think it’s a mere question of optimism or pessimism, it goes to the root of who we are and what we want out of our life. Throughout the last few years, that goal simply seems to be unhappy, to put myself down, and to have many regrets. I guess the real question, and perhaps the point to all of this rambling, is why I want this? Why do I not want to be happy? I should want to be happy, right? Isn’t life so much better when you’re happy? I like to think so. But I think I am so out of practice from being truly happy, that I really can’t even comprehend what that would even be like. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I don’t know what it is, or maybe I don’t think that it is even possible? Perhaps I have resigned myself to believing that life as it currently is, and has been, is really the best that it is going to get, and that there’s not much I can do about it. That’s rather short sighted, because of course, there is plenty that I can do about it. But I just keep asking myself, why put forth the effort? Why even try? I’m getting through things alright, perhaps even good. Which reminds me of another quote, “Good is the enemy of Great.” Further, I may have become complacent thinking that good is enough, and great really isn’t worth it. Who am I to complain about “good”? Who can really define “good” anyhow? It’s all relative and subjective. It’s not like there’s some special equation to quantify all of this. I really wish there was though, because that kind of stuff makes a lot more sense to me. Then I could just run some numbers through a program and figure out what variable to change to optimize the results. That would be the nicest thing in my opinion, but alas, that is not really realistic at all. But such is life, right?

I got my Crest Pro Health!!!!

So we went to Wal Mart and I got my super amazing toothpaste back! And I got the whitening kind. Never tried this variety, but it seems to be cleaning just as well. So I'll take it! And I'm sure you all have noticed the marvelous change to the look of my blog. I think it's way super amazing and AWESOME (as is everything I do, haha). But now, I'm looking for input. Does anyone think there's anything, font/color or otherwise, that should be changed to make it more......reader friendly?

Bananas are Yellow and I miss my Crest Pro Health

So the subject doesn't have much to do about anything really. Though I do miss MY toothpaste. Haha. I am now using some Colgate Total plus Whitening. It's pretty good stuff, but it's not my Crest Pro Health. Haha. I am definitely a Crest fan and not a Colgate person. And that is that. So I've been a very good boy about going to the gym! I'm supposed to go to the gym to help gain weight and be healthy and such. I know, being healthy. It's an evil plan that my doctors have for me. Though as I've said before and I'll say again, I'm ready to do everything to make myself healthy for once. Both Heather and Holly said the 30's are easier than the 20's, but I'd like to see if I can make my 20's decent. :) In other health news, my surgery is not giving me any problems any more. At least in the last 3 weeks. So that's really good! I still have the awesome scar, which is totally cool. I'm even gonna try to work out my abs today! That's how good it feels! :) Oh, and I finished all the paperwork and it all got approved and such for my triumphant return to BYU. I'm gonna go back at the end of April for Spring term. It'll be super good fun and amazingness. It'll be nice to be back at school and Healthy for once. Hoorays! And I'm wearing a cool shirt today, if you were wondering. :) Peace out for now.

All We Are, we are

As some of you may know, the first three words of the title are a song by Matt Nathanson. I'd suggest listening to it as it is really good. But to continue to what I really want to write, it does have a good message. All we are is exactly who we are. And this sounds simple and perhaps even stupid, but that doesn't matter. The true beauty in this is knowing who we really are and enjoying every second of it. For too many years, I've tried to lie to myself, convince myself, or otherwise change my perspective of who I was; that I didn't need to be happy and abandonment is no big deal. Now that's just two, but they're probably the biggest. Sometimes, if not always, it takes a life changing even for one to make such changes and realize they've been lying to themselves all along. For me, that would be cops storming into my bedroom. Scary as all get out, but necessary. And after all of this, and the help I am currently receiving I've been able to realize that one simple truth: All we are, we are. So enjoy it and make the very best of the person that you are! Or at least work towards it, that's my goal anyhow. It will take a while, but it is a goal I foresee myself accomplishing. :) Peace out for now.

Psych Ward......again!

So as all of you know already, or I assume you do, I was in the psych ward from Thursday night till Monday afternoon. This time I was in the one down in Provo and not in Salt Lake. This one is a lot more prison feeling and the food wasn't as good. Oh, and I couldn't get all the Dr. Pepper I wanted. But other than that, it was good. And actually, there was one great thing about this place. They follow this "lifetrap" philosophy thing. It's all out of this book called "Reinventing Your Life." This book was basically life changing for me.

I went to UNI after an anxiety attack so that I couldn't even try to attempt suicide. But this time, I had actually tried to commit suicide. Two cop cars, an ambulance, AND a fire truck came. That pretty much scared the crap out of me. Especially since I am really afraid of cops and he was the first one to arrive. And of course a lot of people were standing around looking to see what happened. So then I walked myself into the ambulance, crowd watching, and went to the hospital. They put me in the pediatric room. That was awesome. It was all decorated with Finding Nemo stuff. SOOOOO COOL. And Happy. So the social worker finally came in, and it wasn't Randy this time. Whew. He's the idiot who kicked me out of the ER in October. Anyhow, this nice new social worker came in and told me basically that I was gonna be staying there. So I did. And then I got all my nice reading and thinking and praying in. And there were a lot of group therapy things that I went to as well. And in the end, I've decided to make some much needed changes in my life that will help me to be MUCH happier and hopefully keep me out of the psych ward in the future. Oh, and they added Wellbutrin with my Prozac. That's the other change. Guess we'll see how that works. Anyhow, that's once again my life as it stands right now.