I'll admit to missing most of the first session b/c I was sleepy, but I did hear a good part of the afternoon session of General Conference today. (And in all honesty, I'm watching the Wis vs UK basketball game right now during Priesthood session b/c I confused the time) Anyhow, there were two things from the afternoon session that really stuck with me and to be cheesy, it felt like it was for me only and no one else. The two points I have summed up into two 3 worded questions: Instrument or Master? Hear the music?
For the purpose of this entry I am only going to elaborate on the first, Instrument or Master, as it's something I'm willing to share publicly at this current time. I will save the "Hear the Music?" question and why it applies in the future; maybe. No promises though.
In the talk that inspired "Instrument or Master" it was talking about whether we use our physical body as an instrument for our soul to do that which the soul desires most, or if the physical body and it's demands and feelings and emotions govern, and become the Master over our soul. The fairly common "natural man is the enemy of God" argument. This is a great principle and something we should all remember, but for me, personally, it took on a different meeting.
It's no surprise to anyone who knows me that I've been chronically ill for the last 5 years. For this purpose, my physical body has been VERY demanding. To a large extent, I have to give in to those demands so I can feel better physically with things like hospitalizations, medications and other such similar treatments. They are very real demands and ones that must be met. So physically it's the master of my body, my physical health.
Though very consuming, it does not have to be the master. Sure, there are setbacks, disappointments and some really bad things. However, these demands SHOULD not allow my body to be the master over my mind and soul. The talk in conference was very specific about allowing the soul to be master b/c from a religious perspective the worth of the soul is great. I do not believe that my illness has allowed my body to be master of my soul. But if you read carefully, you will notice I said MIND and soul.
A problem common in chronic illness patients is that we let them define our minds. We let them control our actions. For me, fear of feeling more pain or making it worse is ever present. At the very start of pain, my brain freaks out. Even if it's nothing, I think that it's something serious, like an obstruction or pancreatitis. These are vaild thoughts b/c often that is the case. However I've come to realize recently that in a few instances (not all of them, keep that in mind) I may have subconsciously added more stress on my body from worrying.
If I feel the starting symptoms, I need to be better, and have been doing better at not freaking out initially. I try to relax, lay down, take simple meds like tylenol and let it ride its course. And there are some times where this is all that is needed to make my symptoms manageable. As it's been going on for 5 years, it's become harder and harder not to let it control me.
There are many activities in my life I had cut out entirely. Others that I could have done just fine that I just didn't do b/c I was afraid of making my body sick again (for the millionth time). I let it control my life. It made my decisions. It shows up, I notice it and let it run my life for a couple days. And cutting out things that are good, nay, great has left me a shell of what I once was, of what I know I have the potential to be. I passed up opportunities to do things that I should be doing b/c I was allowing my body to be the master, not the instrument.
Yes, I am sick. It's real. But that doesn't mean that I should let it run my life. Thinking back, I realize that for at least 2 years, but more likely 3 or 4 of the 5 I've been sick it has done exactly that. It's the easy route. It's the safe route. But it is also the route that has cost me dearly. The route that has had me taking advantage of things and hurting those closest to me; taking these wonderful people for granted. Not appreciating the hard work they put in. Not considering the impact on them b/c I tell myself the impact on my health is more pressing. This is something I have realized recently.
I need to be in control of my body, mentally anyhow. I need it to be the instrument to do those things which are great in my life, to govern my dealings with others. An instrument to do good, especially for those I love most. Use this wonderful instrument of a physical body (sick though it may be) to bring happiness to others, to make their lives more complete, to help fulfill the personal desires of theirs.
So is my body being used as an instrument to do good, or is it the master? And at this moment, it's a mix. I've been working in the last 4-6 weeks to retake control of my mind, not letting it be run by being sick. And I believe I have made some really good progress, but it's still a work in progress. I hope to one day be able to say that my physical body is merely an instrument to do that which is good and not the master, in any capacity. A simple analogy, a simple question, but for me, a profound realization and a call to work harder to not let my illness control me.
