That's really the reason I'm home anyhow, to make progress in my life. I have seen like every specialist in Provo and Salt Lake City and none of them can figure out what is wrong with me. I have spent two years getting tests and having to withdraw from all classes for the last 5 semesters all for naught. Now I'm seeing super fancy doctors in St. Louis at Washington University who are hopefully gonna figure things out for me. I would ideally like this to be a short process and get done sometime this summer, but I have this sneaking suspicion that it could take much longer. I don't like being patient. It's hard. And I feel I've been patient long enough. I know I've BEEN a patient more than my fair share. Too bad that doesn't translate into patience. It would be wonderful.
Patience and Faith always seem to go hand in hand. If I want to be patient I'll just have to have faith that it will all work out, or that it will at least be something I can handle. I don't really mind being chronically ill, you get used it, but it stops me from everything else. Perhaps I'm not meant to be doing those things at this time in my life and my focus needs to shift to those things are apparently going on. It's hard to see those things hidden in the fog of being chronically ill. I wish I had better recognition and could figure out the answers to what I should be looking for and doing right now. I usually just sit on my couch because I don't feel well enough to do anything else. It seems pretty useless. But it's what I have to do to stay out of the hospital, so I guess it works! And if it works, I should probably just be happy with it. I can't change it, so why get upset. Life is supposed to be joyful and I need to learn to better embrace that fact and have faith that is true.
