Instrument or Master?

I'll admit to missing most of the first session b/c I was sleepy, but I did hear a good part of the afternoon session of General Conference today. (And in all honesty, I'm watching the Wis vs UK basketball game right now during Priesthood session b/c I confused the time) Anyhow, there were two things from the afternoon session that really stuck with me and to be cheesy, it felt like it was for me only and no one else. The two points I have summed up into two 3 worded questions: Instrument or Master? Hear the music?

For the purpose of this entry I am only going to elaborate on the first, Instrument or Master, as it's something I'm willing to share publicly at this current time. I will save the "Hear the Music?" question and why it applies in the future; maybe. No promises though.

In the talk that inspired "Instrument or Master" it was talking about whether we use our physical body as an instrument for our soul to do that which the soul desires most, or if the physical body and it's demands and feelings and emotions govern, and become the Master over our soul. The fairly common "natural man is the enemy of God" argument. This is a great principle and something we should all remember, but for me, personally, it took on a different meeting.

It's no surprise to anyone who knows me that I've been chronically ill for the last 5 years. For this purpose, my physical body has been VERY demanding. To a large extent, I have to give in to those demands so I can feel better physically with things like hospitalizations, medications and other such similar treatments. They are very real demands and ones that must be met. So physically it's the master of my body, my physical health.

Though very consuming, it does not have to be the master. Sure, there are setbacks, disappointments and some really bad things. However, these demands SHOULD not allow my body to be the master over my mind and soul. The talk in conference was very specific about allowing the soul to be master b/c from a religious perspective the worth of the soul is great. I do not believe that my illness has allowed my body to be master of my soul. But if you read carefully, you will notice I said MIND and soul.

A problem common in chronic illness patients is that we let them define our minds. We let them control our actions. For me, fear of feeling more pain or making it worse is ever present. At the very start of pain, my brain freaks out. Even if it's nothing, I think that it's something serious, like an obstruction or pancreatitis. These are vaild thoughts b/c often that is the case. However I've come to realize recently that in a few instances (not all of them, keep that in mind) I may have subconsciously added more stress on my body from worrying.

If I feel the starting symptoms, I need to be better, and have been doing better at not freaking out initially. I try to relax, lay down, take simple meds like tylenol and let it ride its course. And there are some times where this is all that is needed to make my symptoms manageable. As it's been going on for 5 years, it's become harder and harder not to let it control me.

There are many activities in my life I had cut out entirely. Others that I could have done just fine that I just didn't do b/c I was afraid of making my body sick again (for the millionth time). I let it control my life. It made my decisions. It shows up, I notice it and let it run my life for a couple days. And cutting out things that are good, nay, great has left me a shell of what I once was, of what I know I have the potential to be. I passed up opportunities to do things that I should be doing b/c I was allowing my body to be the master, not the instrument.

Yes, I am sick. It's real. But that doesn't mean that I should let it run my life. Thinking back, I realize that for at least 2 years, but more likely 3 or 4 of the 5 I've been sick it has done exactly that. It's the easy route. It's the safe route. But it is also the route that has cost me dearly. The route that has had me taking advantage of things and hurting those closest to me; taking these wonderful people for granted. Not appreciating the hard work they put in. Not considering the impact on them b/c I tell myself the impact on my health is more pressing. This is something I have realized recently.

I need to be in control of my body, mentally anyhow. I need it to be the instrument to do those things which are great in my life, to govern my dealings with others. An instrument to do good, especially for those I love most. Use this wonderful instrument of a physical body (sick though it may be) to bring happiness to others, to make their lives more complete, to help fulfill the personal desires of theirs.

So is my body being used as an instrument to do good, or is it the master? And at this moment, it's a mix. I've been working in the last 4-6 weeks to retake control of my mind, not letting it be run by being sick. And I believe I have made some really good progress, but it's still a work in progress. I hope to one day be able to say that my physical body is merely an instrument to do that which is good and not the master, in any capacity. A simple analogy, a simple question, but for me, a profound realization and a call to work harder to not let my illness control me.

I haven't posted in here recently so I figured I better get on it. My life has been rather the same as it always is. I feel like I never really do anything with my life, and well, that's probably true. I hardly ever feel well enough to do much. But I suppose there are things that happen and are worth mentioning. Most recently I saw the new Snow White movie. I had high hopes for it,  but with Kristen Stewart playing Snow White you never quite know how it's gonna go. Surprisingly, she did a really good job. All that angsty crappy acting she's done in every other movie finally got replaced by some quality work. It wasn't the best I've ever seen, but it was a refreshing difference from her usual trick of strutting round the stage.

We've been working on building a fence in the backyard recently and by we, I mean mostly David. I haven't felt well enough to most of the heavy work but I was able to help get some of the boards up on it the other day. That was fun. This fence is looking pretty awesome. We are only like a quarter of the way through it though, so it will look much more awesome when it is done. I could probably go work on it some more right now, but the Cardinals game is on right now and we all know that takes precedence over everything.

I have recently had the opportunity and drive to go to the temple a couple of times this past week. It's been a while since I've been there. I hadn't been there since I've been home in Missouri. It's only a 30 minute drive there so it's not terribly inconvenient but it's also not just up 9th like it is in Provo. Through a series of unfortunate events for friends and family I felt compelled to go to the temple to pray for them and ask the Lord for His help in their lives and situations. And I'm happy to report that those events which drove me to the temple seem to be shaping up nicely and going well now. All of these people are currently living far away from me and that was the only thing I felt like I could do to help out. Lesson for the day: Whenever you feel helpless in any situation, turn to the Lord and serve Him in His Holy house.



-----St. Louis Missouri Temple-----


The positive turnouts of those situations being as they are it was also a great spiritual moment for me. There is a certain peace that one finds when relying on the Lord and giving your agency solely to Him, if only for a small time. We get so controlling with our lives that we often don't want to completely surrender it for extended periods of time because of our base human nature, but those moments we overcome our pride are very rewarding. All the problems and frustrations in your life become manageable, patience seems more of a virtue than an irritation, and the oft sought for but hardly attained inner peace appears. I had the opportunity to also assist in baptisms for the dead in the temple. I always like doing that because it's the first ordinance we receive and is the stepping stone to salvation for us personally and everyone around us. It is a wonderful feeling to know that hundreds more people will begin that wonderful journey in one night at the temple. The long awaited blessings of eternity begin to open up for them and you can feel the Joy that they feel as you do service for them. It is a truly marvelous feeling.

Home and other adventures

This is the first time in a few years that I am back in Missouri for some period of time that is NOT Christmas. That being said, I'm rather excited for it. I always love being home. Utah is great, but Missouri will always be home for me. The Cardinals games are broadcast every day out here, how could it not be home? Although all my research is in Utah, so that's getting put on hold even more. That saddens me some because my research is what I usually feel gives me purpose in my life. I've been so sick for so long and made so little progress in my life and my research is really the only area I ever move forward in. I suppose it's time to make progress in other aspects of my life.

That's really the reason I'm home anyhow, to make progress in my life. I have seen like every specialist in Provo and Salt Lake City and none of them can figure out what is wrong with me. I have spent two years getting tests and having to withdraw from all classes for the last 5 semesters all for naught. Now I'm seeing super fancy doctors in St. Louis at Washington University who are hopefully gonna figure things out for me. I would ideally like this to be a short process and get done sometime this summer, but I have this sneaking suspicion that it could take much longer. I don't like being patient. It's hard. And I feel I've been patient long enough. I know I've BEEN a patient more than my fair share. Too bad that doesn't translate into patience. It would be wonderful.

Patience and Faith always seem to go hand in hand. If I want to be patient I'll just have to have faith that it will all work out, or that it will at least be something I can handle. I don't really mind being chronically ill, you get used it, but it stops me from everything else. Perhaps I'm not meant to be doing those things at this time in my life and my focus needs to shift to those things are apparently going on. It's hard to see those things hidden in the fog of being chronically ill. I wish I had better recognition and could figure out the answers to what I should be looking for and doing right now. I usually just sit on my couch because I don't feel well enough to do anything else. It seems pretty useless. But it's what I have to do to stay out of the hospital, so I guess it works! And if it works, I should probably just be happy with it. I can't change it, so why get upset. Life is supposed to be joyful and I need to learn to better embrace that fact and have faith that is true.

Fall 2011

Guess what??? It's still Fall in Utah...there's no snow on my ground. It's kinda fweakin me out, okay? Haha. I haven't written on here in forever. So time for updates! Marching band is going well...it's one of only two classes that I've been able to stay in this semester. And why is that? Because of 4 or 5 trips to the hospital this semester alone. And did the BRILLIANT doctors figure anything out? Of course not. They'd rather just pass it off as idiopathic and find a new patient that they can figure out to make themselves feel like Gods once again. Sorry to bring them down a notch from their lofty status. That's really been the story this Fall though; bein sick and then recovering from bein sick. It's pretty lames.

In other news: The Cardinals won the World Series since my last post! That was amazing! But they're super awesome, so it's not too surprising that they won their 11th Championship. It is sad to see Tony La Russa retire, but he had a very long, very good career; so good for him. I am still waiting for my Championship t-shirt though. That darn thing is taking forever and a day to ship to me! I wanna celebrate my boys with an awesome shirt. Why is that too much to ask for????


Additionally, I am running a 10K on Thanksgiving. Thank goodness it's in the morning. Should make me even hungrier for yummy delicious thanksgiving pigging out. I love gluttonous holidays, haha. But I am doing some exercise and I REALLY need to gain some weight. So hopefully thanksgiving will add a few pounds to my slim physique. ...and then add a few more for good measure. These things are more fun with pictures, but I don't think I've taken any recently. I'll look for something.

This one is for Michael. Hope it helps!!! :)

And this one might just be the happiest picture you'll ever see. So enjoy!

That's it for now. I hope have enjoyed your stay on my blog. Feel free to read other posts and listen to the marvelous music. I really should be better about posting on here....and taking more pictures of stuff. We'll see how that goes, haha. :)

Never get sick in college....

This is Ricky Bobby and Cal Naughton Jr. reminding you never to get sick in college.

ChemE courses are hard enough as they are w/out being sick and missing all the lectures....and completing the course 8 months later. I strongly suggest not doing it. It's really hard to motivate yourself in the summer to get much of anything done if you're not taking classes. My days are far from planned and studying is one of those things that is best done...planned. That being said, it's still possible. Though the true test of how possible this really is will be the test I have to take tomorrow. If it's about pumps and turbines, I'm set. If it's about the derivation of some ridiculous equation...forget about it.

On a happier note, the Cardinals won last night, though still 5 games behind the Brewers. Football is once again on TV! w00t w00t! Monday night football FTW. Though I must say it's horrible for studying, haha. Also, the Premier league has started back up, so Soccer is also on. ESPN is now my new home and it's a happy place to live.

Also, Band Camp starts next week. That will be interesting. I should probably start memorizing the music. I should have started that a while ago, but I do much better with memorizing right before...I tend to forget over time, so it would have been useless to start any earlier....plus I had fluids stuff I needed to work on. That should be an exciting adventure for this Fall. I haven't marched since high school. Well, that's not true, I've been a marching and music tech a couple of years. But I haven't been on the field performing since then; should be fun. My Trumpet needs a good cleaning though. It's dirty! I haven't cleaned it in forever, so it could use a nice spa day. :)

Rex Lee Run, Momma's Birthday, and a HUGE Snowman

These are totally not in order....ooops. I ran the Rex Lee run which is a 5K for Cancer research here at BYU. I figured it was a good cause. I of course ran it for my momma! Here's a couple pics from that adventure. I was really just happy I finished it and ran the whole way....even if I ran slowly.

Running stuffs

I ran for Momma! :)

We had a very wonderful celebration for Momma's birthday. We had lots of M&M's and some balloons and some wonderful angels food cake! It was a grand good time. It's high time we start celebrating her life rather than moping, and by "we" I of course mean me.

Playing with balloons!!!

I'm a Walrus!

Nummy cake!

Me devouring the awesome cake!

And lastly for this post, we made a GINORMOUS snowman. It was super duper tall and ridiculously hard to build. The middle ball was so heavy that we couldn't lift it on top normally. So I got down on my knees and they rolled it on my back and then on top of the big bottom ball. I wish we would have had pictures of that part, but sadly we didn't. The end product was super fantastic though. It should also be noted that we did all of this between sessions of Conference on Sunday. It was a good use of our time. We just had to do it; there was a field full of fresh snow!

Rolling up a snowball!

Made his mouth out of charcoal

The three of us that made it (Brad, Andrew, and Rob)

Me and the final HUGE snowman!

That's it for now. More to come!

Surgery and Easters

I have this nasty habit of getting sick. I try oh so hard to avoid and then blam! I'm sick again. This time it was the end of April, around Easter! Though it should also  be noted this was the time that Michael graduated as well. So I ended up missing all of his graduation things b/c I was sick. No bueno. And then I went to the hospital. It's kinda sad b/c I'm quite literally on a first name basis with many of the nurses on that floor. The 7th floor knows me all too well.

After Surgery with my monkey and some oxygen

They cut me!

This trip to the hospital they decided to cut me open and tear some stuff out. They really just took out my gallbladder b/c I keep getting pancreatitis. We're hoping that will solve that problem, but we don't really know for sure. They also removed a few adhesions that were causing some partial obstructions on my small intestine; fun stuff right? Then I spent the next week laying in bed trying to get better and leave that 7th floor. As nice as they are, I don't really like seeing them that often, haha. Easter happened to fall in that period of time, so I spent Easter in the hospital. But no worries, it was still super duper fun! We had an easter egg hunt, and I had my easter basket, and I had bunny ears! David deserves most of the credit for making my easter so epic. It was a marvelously fun day and one of the best Easters I can remember...even if I was in the hospital.

 

 

My easter loot! :)

Looking for eggs!

So that was my marvelous Easter. It's alright if you're jealous. :)